Do Opposites Really Attract?

Introduction

Today’s culture is often fixated on things which often do not lead to the lasting fulfilment. Materialism, technology fixation, and the newest gossip which passes for news often cloud the mind and heart with artificial emotions. The sensationalism which prompts so many choices can be disastrous when applied to romantic relationships. In the question of whether or not opposites really attract in love, research and experience supports that such attractions are fleeting. For a better chance at cultivating the longevity of love it is more effective to nurture attraction with someone more similar. 

Make Up For What You Lack?

The maxim “Opposites Attract” originally came from science, but was applied to relationships to explain many of the self-defeating choices being made. Scientific principles hold true on a supportive, fundamental level of existence. In this case, “Opposites attract, and likes repel. When it comes to magnetism, this natural principle is axiomatic” (Mehta). When people try to apply simplistic fundamental principles to higher forms of life, such as the complexity of human relationships, there is often a breakdown. Here is one example of how people would chose this principle, “Consider the 2014 research paper in which an international team of economists found that better-educated people tend to marry other better-educated people—while individuals with less formal schooling tend to partner with people of comparable educational levels” (Mehta). The initial spark of opposites attracting is in part the fascination of what is different, or for some a form of self-violence as they attempt to deny their self-worth by identifying with “the other”. 

Two main types of people will consistently attempt to force the Opposites Attract method to come true: those whose personalities are thrill seeking, and those whose personalities are largely repressed. It is in these two extremes that the extreme opposite will be sought, really as a way of attempting to balance out one’s relationship to oneself. However, if the individual does not learn from failure their extremist may only grow. In fact, “Studies have found that people are more likely to be attracted to and pursue romantic relationships with individuals who are more like themselves across a broad range of personal characteristics, including age, religion, political orientation, and certain aspects of intelligence” (Mehta). However, keep in mind that even within this context of similarity there may be many degrees of difference.

There are some fundamentals that are best to have in common in a romantic relationship:

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However, when the foundation has been agreed upon as much difference in the particulars as possible will help both parties to grow, expand their belief and experience horizons. It is when these differences threaten the foundation that they become destructive, and when if the couple stays together it can become chaotic, abusive, or a matter of one simply taking care of the other without mutual support. In such unhealthy relationships if children are brought into the equation (all too often in a misguided attempt to reignite passions or force ties) they will be used as leverage to balance out a relational equation which will not be balanced (eHarmony Staff). 

Ideal vs. Real

Ideally, people would move into relationships from a place of self-fulfillment and the desire to share that fulfillment through collaboration with another person who is self-fulfilled. However, much goes into achieving self-fulfillment:

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Any one of these areas which is unbalanced will lead to a corresponding dependence sought out in the other. Self-love and self-knowledge cultivation leads to a relationship with oneself that is not in desperate need of someone else to justify one’s existence and create one’s happiness. However, in a delicate balance of emotional psychology it is that very fulfillment which enables a fount of love and desire which is naturally best expressed to another, for humans are social animals (Bloom). 

A common mistake self-fulfilled people may make is allowing themselves to fall in love with someone who is not self-fulfilled (perhaps on the path) but in actuality quite needy. Whether or not the other is misrepresenting themselves, the fulfilled person mistakenly thinks they can help the other become self-fulfilled. All too often this often leads to emotional chaos and disaster. While human relationships provide mirrors for each other, real change and growth is an intensely personal experience that must be self-motivated to be healthy and to stick (DiLonardo).

However, this ideal scenario is rarely seen in today’s and all too rarely enjoyed. Most people seek out relationships from a desperate lack of self-fulfillment, out of an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others, the desire to have someone else provide for them economically, or the pure insanity which governs many actions which pass for normal today. The results of this error in motivation is standard:

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Psychological Balance

A good balance point can be cultivated out of the mish-mash of extremes of the ideal and the real, but this path requires the first element of fulfillment-self-love. Self-love is the ability to nurture oneself, and that means not putting oneself in the position to be emotionally (or physically-one can lead to the other) abused. Self-love is the way, the go between, and the guide for the path towards fulfillment. Self-love understands,

We are drawn to others out of needs and desires that are unfulfilled in our lives, such as a desire to experience greater connection, security, love, support, and comfort. On the other hand some of those unfulfilled longings have to do with their polar opposites, such as adventure, freedom, risk, challenge, and intensity. (Bloom)

Self-love embraces these needs no matter what psychological foundation they emerge from, and with time can mend all the fissures of consciousness which could corrupt all of these natural desires (Borelli). For it is when any other desire attempts to supplant self-love that dangerous obsession and psychological/relational breakdown occurs. The genius interpreter of the human consciousness machine, C.G. Jung commented on the many nuances of this dynamic during his lifetime:

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Each one of these quotes is backed up by decades of research, implementation, and study. Jung’s ability to understand the human machine came from his own profound self-love which saw the devastation of collective consciousness. Along with Freud, Jung helped develop the psychological process of psychoanalysis in order to help individuals find and connect with the light of their own sanity through the miasma of self-created delusions. This is one of the most successful methods of therapy when done accurately (Jung). 

The question of whether or not opposites attract is that they most definitely do, but a more important question is why (Edmonds). What is that attraction revealing about one’s unfulfilled needs? Research has found that insecure attachment breaks down into two types:

1. Those who are high on attachment avoidance believe that others will not respond to their needs, and correspondingly have a negative view of others. They tend to avoid and are ill at ease when they feel their partner is too close.

2. Those who are high on attachment anxiety are preoccupied with how available others are, and have a negative view of themselves. They seek out intimacy and contact with others, and can often be cloying or “needy” in their relationships. (Bloom)

Therefore, before playing the blame game when relationships crumble it may behoove one to look at the choices and path which supported the path in the first place. 

Conclusion

The surest foundation for relational success is self-love and the fulfillment which comes from the strength of mind and body which results from this stance. However, since humans are social animals there is simply no guard against emotional pain, and the motivations for why attraction occurs is largely unconscious. The inner animal wants what it wants, and bringing observation and awareness to this process will enable growth and learning. For those without the desire to cultivate self-love and self-awareness no relationship will ever be very fulfilling. A good balance between foundational similarities and perspective differences can lead to stability as well as a challenging and engaging relational dynamic.

Works Cited

Bloom, Linda and Charlie. “The Real Reason That Opposites Attract.” Psychology Today, 2 Jan. 2014. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201401/the-real-reason-opposites-attract

Borelli, Lizette. “Do Opposites Attract Or Does Like Attract Like In Relationships? Understanding The Science Of Love.” Medical Daily, 15 Apr. 2014. Retrieved from: http://www.medicaldaily.com/do-opposites-attract-or-does-attract-relationships-understanding-science-love-276918

DiLonardo, Mary Jo. “Do opposites really attract?” CNN, 7 Apr. 2014. Retrieved from: http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/07/living/opposites-attract-upwave-relate/

Edmonds, Molly. “Do opposites really attract?” How Stuff Works, 2016. Retrieved from: http://people.howstuffworks.com/opposites-attract.htm

eHarmony Staff. “Do Opposites Attract?” eharmony.com, 2016. Retrieved from: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/do-opposites-attract/#.V6XWtClrj_w

Jung, C.G. “Quotes.” Goodreads.com, 2016. Retrieved from: https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/38285.C_G_Jung

Mehta, Vinita. “Do Opposites Really Attract? It's Complicated.” Psychology Today, 9 Dec. 2014. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/head-games/201412/do-opposites-really-attract-its-complicated