How Divorce Transforms Families

Divorce affects approximately two percent of married couples every year. However, divorce has an impact far greater than just the couple who get divorced. Divorce leads to major changes in the lives of the nearly 1,200,000 children of divorcing parents and has a ripple effect throughout extended family members. Though the divorce rate has slightly increased over the years, research is demonstrating that divorce can have a positive impact on some families, especially when considering families with high-levels of conflict, or in relationships where domestic violence against one partner is an issue (Clarke, 1995, p. 3).

Parental divorce can have an impact on a child's development, especially in regards to attachment. Attachments made to primary caregivers in childhood play a role in determining how relationships are developed and maintained later in life, and divorce, especially when contentious, can disrupt parent-child attachment, leading to negative outcomes for children in later years. Custody issues, perhaps more than other areas of divorce, can harm a child's emotional development. Often, custody disputes are resolved based on what the divorcing parents can agree on rather than what is best for the child (Kelly & Lamb, 2000, p. 297). Considering the desire of the parent ahead of the attachment of the child can have long-term negative effects on emotional development, and can manifest in a child's relationships throughout their life. Children of divorced parents often demonstrate symptoms of depression, low self-esteem and poor performance on standardized tests when compared with children with continuously married parents (Amato, 2005, p. 77). However, when a child has strong attachments and positive relationships with caregivers before a divorce, they can maintain healthy emotional development. While it was previously thought that divorce by itself led to negative outcomes for children, it is now understood that it is the quality of relationships that leads to positive or negative outcomes. If divorcing parents can keep conflict to a minimum and create conscientious parenting plans based on a child's needs, the child will have similar outcomes to a child raised in a home with continuously married parents (Kelly & Lamb, 2000, p. 298). As children age, parental divorce can have an impact on their adolescent romantic relationships. Some research shows that children from divorced homes may be more likely to terminate romantic relationships quicker and more often than children from homes with parents who are continuously married. Trouble with initial romantic relationships can lead to issues with relationships later in life and may be a predictor of divorce in adulthood (Cui, Fincham, & Durtshci, 2010, p. 2). However, just as with emotional development in early childhood, children who experience divorce with limited conflict and observe parents being mutually respectful are likely to have healthy relationships in the future (Cui, Fincham, & Durtschi, 2010, p. 4).

Divorcing adults experience a wide range of challenges to their emotional well-being. Like their children, adults have better outcomes when they can respectfully co-parent and when conflict is kept to a minimum. In a study looking at custodial and non-custodial fathers, emotional and mental health was identified as the key issue affecting divorced men. The men in the study overwhelmingly reported “long-lasting stress symptoms” including exhaustion, sleep problems, loss of appetite, loss of energy and depression (Lehr & MacMillan, 2001, p. 373). They also report a lack of contact with their children because children often reside with their mothers after divorce. The perception that their role as a father is diminishing causes some men to have further emotional distress. While women suffer in some areas of life after divorce, they are more likely than their male counterparts to experience a renewed sense of self and to embrace divorce as a transition that can allow positive emotional development (King & Raspin, 2004, p. 604). Women are also more likely than men to express an interest in starting over completely and not maintaining ties to the relationship (Lehr & MacMillan, 2001, p. 373). Separation of children from their parents and between spouses can be especially traumatic.

The separation that occurs between family members after divorce can be challenging to navigate. Some divorced fathers report that due to minimized contact with their children, they are seen more like visitors than parents and lose opportunities to contribute to their children's lives. When separated, fathers are more likely to disengage with their children due to strained relationships with their children's mothers and the mother's families (Lehr & MacMillan, 2001, p. 374).

Separation can be stressful and confusing for children who are suddenly splitting time between two households. Not only do they have new homes to get used to, but parents often have different rules and expectations that require adjustment as well. Separation can lead to children having poor performance in school and to experience feelings of sadness, especially when their relationship with one parent is diminished (Amato, 2005, p. 77). Separated mothers most often face financial difficulties, challenges due to adjusting to single- parenthood, increased demands on their time and depression. They report fear that they will not be able to provide the quality of care for their children than they did before divorce (Kalmijn & Monden, 2006, p. 1202). However, in cases where a marriage had a high level of conflict, separation is beneficial for parents and children (Kalmijn & Monden, 2006, p. 1198).

Children of divorced parents do struggle academically more than their peers with married parents. Though studies in the 1970s and 1980s insisted that academic issues differed based on a child's gender, more recent studies demonstrate that both female and male students have similar responses to the experience of divorce. Both genders have lower standardized test scores and lower grades after the divorce than their counterparts from homes with parents who are continuously married (Amato, 2005, p. 77). Children who struggle with coping issues surrounding the divorce often perform poorly in school. When children have strong coping and communication skills, they are more likely to maintain their pre-divorce academic ability. Predictors of lower school-related depression and anxiety include social coping (talking with a trusted friend) and physical activity (Sandler, Tein, & West, 1994, p. 1746).

The financial impact of divorce affects all family members involved on some level. Divorce is an expensive undertaking and can lead to major changes in lifestyle for all family members. Divorced mothers, especially those who have not worked during the marriage, experience a high level of anxiety regarding finances. Often they have to either return to work, or in some cases, obtain employment for the first time. Many mothers also have to plan for childcare and often end up in lower-paying jobs that may require a lot of hours or working odd hours (Demo & Acock, 1988, p. 633). The court costs for divorce can be very high and proceedings can be lengthy, especially if couples have disagreements regarding parenting time or division of assets. The division of property can determine to whom the bulk of shared investments goes. Another issue that can be costly and affects more fathers than mothers is child support. Many fathers stress that they want to provide for their children, but want to do it autonomously without the influence of the court. However, many mothers express concern that fathers do not provide enough for their children, sometimes denying child support as a way to get back at the mother for contentious issues in the marriage (Lehr & MacMillan, 2001, p. 376). The change in financial circumstances can negatively impact children as well. With many mothers having to work perhaps for the first time, children are left in the care of relatives, babysitters or daycares. Children may spend less time with both parents than they did before the divorce and may live in smaller homes or with relatives. For adolescents, a loss in financial stability can mean that they are unable to participate in school activities, such as field trips or sports, and may not have access to the same resources that they had previously. All of these things can impact feelings of self-esteem and self-worth for both the unhappy couple involved in the divorce and their children.

For both men and women going through a divorce, feelings of guilt or loss can have an impact on self-esteem or self-worth. Individuals may blame themselves for the breakup of the marriage or feel that they were lacking in some area, leading to the divorce. Lowered self-esteem can manifest as depression or anxiety. It can also affect interpersonal relationships. After divorce, children may blame themselves or worry that their parents do not care for them as they did previously (Sandler, Tein & West, 1994 p. 1745). These feelings can lead to low self-worth. While divorce often leads to lower self-esteem, it can also be empowering. Some couples can divorce amicably and may be able to have a bond after their marriage has ended. In these cases, both the couple and children report no change or an increase in self-worth after divorce. In instances where a divorce occurs in relationships where domestic violence has been an issue, women report feeling uncertain about their feelings for some time. It takes time to heal and to learn to trust themselves and others. Children also experience feelings of anxiety and distrust, especially when they were witnesses to acts of emotional or physical violence (Kitzmann, Gaylord, Holt, & Kenny, 2003, p. 339). Men who have been domestic violence offenders typically do not identify as such and most often will blame their spouse for the divorce. They often minimize the seriousness of domestic violence and see themselves as the victims in the divorce.

When separating or divorcing, victims of domestic violence are more vulnerable than at any other time in a violent relationship. Offenders become desperate and may use visitation time with children as a time to manipulate or attack their spouses. Men are also more likely to use the court system as a means to perpetuate further violence and control. However, if a woman can successfully navigate the divorce and establish safety plans regarding visitation and other parenting issues, they often experience renewed self-esteem, self-worth and increased interest in activities outside of the home (Kitzmann, Gaylord, Holt, & Kenny, 2003, p 347). Children of parents who have experienced domestic violence may express more anxiety or anger than children who have not been in violent homes. After divorce, these children may hear more negative things about the victim and may align themselves with the offender. Though they may be more attached to the mother, the father is likely to ask for custody citing the mother's instability or other issues. Children may end up living with the offender and are liable to be used as pawns (Kitzmann, Gaylord, Holt, & Kenny, 2003, p 347). However, with strong safety and visitation plans and community support, such as counseling, these children can find healthy coping mechanisms and develop strong attachments to both parents.

Though divorce can have many negative effects on couples and their children, there are some positive outcomes. Children of divorced parents often demonstrate androgynous behaviors, meaning they do not limit themselves to prescribed gender-appropriate behaviors. They often show more maturity than their peers in continuously married homes. Children of divorced parents also may show more and greater skills in some areas, and some build stronger relationships with their parents after a divorce than before it (Demo & Acock, 1988, p. 624). For women and men, divorce is a time of great transition, and though often it is seen as primarily stressful, it can be a time of growth and development for the couple (Demo & Acock, 1988, p. 624).

Summary

Divorce affects many areas of the lives of couples and their children. The impact of divorce has a ripple effect that can touch every element of life for a family. Divorce can cause feelings of anxiety and depression (Amato, 2005, p. 77). It can lead to the development of unhealthy relationship patterns for adolescents and young adults who have experienced parental divorce (Cui, Fincham, & Durtschi, 2010, p. 2). However, it can also lead to the development of maturity, coping and communication skills that are more advanced than those of children who have not experienced divorce (Demo & Acock, 1988, p. 624). Divorce affects men and women differently. Men are more likely than women to experience severe depression and anxiety initially (Lehr & MacMillan, 2001, p. 373), while women are more likely to develop goals and make a plan to “move on” from the relationship. Women are also more likely to increase reliance on support systems including family and friends, which can help them to cope with any stress related to the divorce (King & Raspin, 2004, p. 604).

Divorce can cause marked changes in financial stability for men, women, and children. Men most often are sentenced to pay child support, while women are more likely to have to return to work or take a low-paying job to make ends meet (Demo & Acock, 1988, p. 633). Couples who communicate well and in a healthy way with each other typically do not have the same financial issues as couples who do not.

Divorce is stressful for all parties involved on some level, but it can be a positive experience. For children, the most important factor is positive relationships and attachment with parents before the divorce. Strong familial attachments lead to better outcomes for all involved (Cui, Fincham, & Durtschi, 2010, p. 4). When approached with an open mind and a dedication to communication, the stress of divorce can be minimized.

References

Amato, P. R. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Clarke, S. (n.d.). Monthly Vital Statistics Report. Dads Now. Retrieved April 3, 2014, from http://www.dadsnow.org/studies/mvsr1989.pdf

Cui, M., Fincham, F. D., & Durtschi, J. A. (2010). The effect of parental divorce on young adults' romantic relationship dissolution: What makes a difference?. Personal Relationships, 18(3), 410-426.

Kalmijn, M., & Monden, C. W. (2006). Are the negative effects of divorce on well-being dependent on marital quality?. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(5), 1197-1213.

Kelly, J. B., & Lamb, M. E. (2000). Using child development research to make appropriate custody and access decisions for young children. Family Court Review, 38(3), 297-311.

King, L. A., & Raspin, C. (2004). Lost and found possible selves, subjective well-being, and ego development in divorced women. Journal of Personality, 72(3), 603-632.

Kitzmann, K. M., Gaylord, N. K., Holt, A. R., & Kenny, E. D. (2003). Child witnesses to domestic violence: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 71(2), 339-352.

Lehr, R., & Macmillan, P. (2001). The psychological and emotional impact of divorce: The noncustodial fathers' perspective. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 82(4), 373-382.

Sandler, I. N., Tein, J., & West, S. G. (1994). Coping, stress, and the psychological symptoms of children of divorce: A cross-sectional and longitudinal study. Child Development, 65(6), 1744.