What Kind of a Parent Are You?

Becoming a new parent is one of the most rewarding and at the same time the most challenging experience an individual can experience. As a new parent veteran parents will bombard you with advice and parenting tips whether you asked them or not. This advice can often overlap and can be confusing. As a preschool educator for the past 12 years I have come into encounter with parents who have many questions about parenting. Will I ever sleep again?” “When will my child stop wearing diapers?” All these questions come from one essential question: Am I a good parent? We are always concerned about our children’s self-esteem but what about our self-esteem as parents? As parents we need to feel confident about our parenting skills and abilities. Rather than striving to be the perfect parents and constantly asking if we are good parents, we need to aim for being good enough parents.

In order to be a good enough parent, it is important to be structured and consistent. Developing a parenting style can help in establishing consistency as a parent. There are many different styles of parenting, often making parents much more anxious than they need to be. Bottom line, the parenting style you choose has to feel like the best “fit” for you and your family. Both you and your partner must agree on the parenting style. Both to save your relationship while also presenting a united front against your child who will be more than willing to take any opportunity to get their way. Developing a parenting style can be a process and few parents adopt a parenting style completely.  Parents usually combine a bit from one idea and a little from another. Or, maybe, at certain times a theory may feel like the right fit and two days later it doesn’t. On the flip side, maybe none of these parenting styles make sense to you and you develop your own independent style. 

There are many styles of parenting to consider. Some you may be familiar with and others you may not have heard of. Parents of other countries have parenting styles that are very different from the ones in the United States. Parenting styles can also vary based on ethnicity or religion. Parenting styles have also evolved over time as we learn more about child development and attachment. Can you remember what parenting style your parents used? Or perhaps, one you wished they had used? Which parenting style “speaks to you?” You be the judge. 

“Helicopter Parenting” is just what it sounds like. They are the parents hovering over their children on the playground. Making sure they don’t fall of the slide or a bigger child doesn't push their child around. These parents rarely allow their child to make their own decisions or promote independence for their children. The children in turn end up relying on their parents for far longer than is developmentally appropriate.

 It is natural for parents to worry about their children. After all, we all want the best for them – or at least what we may consider to be best for them. However, when taken too far, the child development can be delayed. A child may grow without experience in decision-making or problem solving. For preschoolers to understand and process the world around them, they must have many opportunities to play, get dirty, explore, practice conflict resolution techniques, use language, create and the list goes on. Children must be allowed to make mistakes in order to be able to learn from them. Helicopter parents may not give their children enough experiences to grow into adults that can make their own decisions and conquer the world on their own. Also, you as a parent would be denying yourself the glorious day when your child makes their own bed or is able to dress themselves.

Authoritarian parents are the ones who have a child that is in time out for most of the day. These parents have strict rules and stricter punishments. They always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents emphasize rules over warmth and affection. The authoritarian parent is not very nurturing towards their child.  Authoritarian parents also set high standards that are developmentally inappropriate and then punish children for not meeting them these standards. 

Have you heard parents utter the phrase “Because I said so”? This phrase is most often uttered by authoritarian parents who do not try to explain or reason with their children. These parents punish their children without feeling a need to engage in a discussion about the child’s behavior. These parents focus on bad behavior and rarely provide positive reinforcement for their children. Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and don’t understand why their parent is requiring certain behaviors. Generally, children with authoritarian parents are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence, and self-esteem. As a parent you would want your child to be able to have the ability to question those in power rather than blindly following along with authority.

Permissive parents are the ones you see in the supermarket giving into the child who throws a temper tantrum by giving him whatever he wants. These parents are the opposite of the authoritarian parent as they give up most control to their children. Permissive parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. These parents don't want to be tied down to routines or are incapable of being consistent. They want their children to feel free or they feel guilty about punishing them. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way no matter how the child behaves.

The permissive parent wants to be friends with their child rather than an authority figure. Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good ones. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved. Permissive parenting often results in child with poor self-regulation, increased aggression, problems with authority and low performance in the school setting. Letting a toddler get away with throwing a tantrum or not sharing will lead to a teenager who refuses to be home by curfew or takes the car without asking permission. 

Authoritative parents are the ones who manage to be firm while at the same time are nurturing towards their children. These parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. They do so by having developmentally appropriate expectations and consistent rules for their children. While they allow their children some freedom in certain areas, they also monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. They often, "try to catch their children being good" and through positive reinforcement they reinforce the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad behavior.

For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged."  Or when a child is sharing with their sibling the parent would state “ I like how you're sharing with your sister. That makes me feel happy”. As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?" Parents who have an authoritative style also give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching rather than punishing. Authoritative parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable, and successful. With this style of parenting you would have a child who grows up to be a successful adult who is able to be responsible for themselves. While it cannot be guaranteed that as a teenager you won’t have problems with your child but as an authoritative parent you could be assured that you will have a close relationship with your child. 

On the other side of the world, French parents have their own thoughts on parenting. As an American writer living in Paris, Pamela Druckerman experienced firsthand the way in which the French raise their children. She went on to write Bringing up Bebe in order to share her experiences with how American parents raise their children. Rather than focusing on academics Parisian parents are focused on teaching their children to experience life. These parents take their children out to restaurants without even a looking a bit stressed. In fact, the French children are sitting happily in their highchairs eating “fish and their vegetables.” While in the United States taking a child to a restaurant is an ordeal in France it is an experience. They believe children should be allowed to get bored and learn how to amuse themselves. In America, parents are doing everything (except doing somersaults – although I wouldn’t put it past them!)  in order to keep their children entertained at all times. 

According to Druckerman, the French seem to expect more from their kids at an early age and the kids usually live up to their expectations. Of course, this is a generalization. Nonetheless, you’ll never catch a French mother carrying around a Ziploc bag of cheerios that clutters the purses of American toddlers’ moms. In the U.S. numerous sleepless parents spend months comforting their crying babies in the middle of the night. Not so with French parents who sleep train their infants by 10 weeks of age. French parents enjoy parenting their child rather than seeing it as a chore.

However, when Druckerman refers to “French parents” she’s generalizing because of course, every parent is different even the French one. Also, she is comparing mostly educated middle- and upper-class French parents to American ones. She also writes that French parents are less stressed because France provides parents with free healthcare, free preschool and even monthly allotments for having children. This could be advertising for providing us American parents with some of these benefits. While the American parent is stressed out about what their child will become and ensuring that they achieve their full potential, French parents have more confidence in their children’s abilities and allow them to become whoever they become. A child raised through the French style or parenting would be more prone to being exposed to various experiences and would appear more cultured than their peers. A French parent also enjoys being a parent and has none of the anxieties of American parents. 

In China, parenting style conversations get even more interesting. As in the French style of parenting expectations for children are vastly different from those expectations of American parents.  As an Asian parent living in America Amy Chua is the “Tiger Mom”. She is the author of Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother where she argues that Chinese parenting is superior to Western parenting. She acknowledges that lots of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. Well, Amy says she can tell everyone because she’s done it. This book sparked a large amount of debate and controversy regarding the way in which children should be parented. 

Chua’s children were never allowed to do what other kids their age were doing including having play dates, choosing their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, and playing any instrument other than the piano or violin. Instead, Chua insists that her girls study all the time. The Chinese believe shaming and punishing the child will result in higher grades because they are strong enough to tolerate it. Since American parents are worried about their children’s self-esteem, they will boost their child’s ability even when they are not that brilliant. If a child gets a B on a test, the patient may complain about the curriculum or the teacher. In contrast, the Tiger Mom would criticize her child for getting a B leading the conclusion that the child needed to try harder. 

So why does this whole controversy seem to touch such a nerve with our American parents? As stated, earlier parents are constantly worrying about whether they are good parents. Chua openly calls American parents out for not being good enough through stating that her style is the best. This also touches a nerve for not just parents but all Americans. America’s economic situation is awful. People here are losing jobs and so many jobs are being outsourced to China. China’s economy is booming and now the education in this country is declining. Chinese students work harder, with more focus, for longer hours than American students do. So, basically, we are in competition with China. Now even the way the Chinese parent their children has become competitive and controversial. Tiger Mom does not address the issue of children with developmental delays or learning difficulties. Probably because Chua believes that if you “push” your child hard enough there will be no such delays. On the other hand, Western society places a big focus on helping and mainstreaming such children. While the child raised by a tiger mom may be academically brilliant, they may suffer in other areas such as developing social skills with their peers.

Last, but certainly not least, Jewish Parenting. No, contrary to popular belief this does not mean parenting by guilt. Rather it means experimenting with innovative ways to bring your family closer to Judaism, God, the larger Jewish community, and each other. Jewish parenting utilizes Judaism as a guidebook or map for how they should raise their children to not only be good Jews but to be good individuals. Jewish values, beliefs, rituals, and culture all serve as pathways through which your child can begin their journey to be a kind, responsible adult. The Jewish parenting style can be applied to other forms of parenting and does not need to be utilized by exclusively Jewish parents. Through taking the religion out of the parenting the style attempts to create responsible children through the family unit which could be applied to many other families. 

Since Judaism is a religion of action, it is crucial for Jewish parents to be a positive role model for their kids. Children need to be able  to see their parents living and participating in Jewish life. In order to succeed at Jewish parenting, one cannot say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Instead, your actions must correspond to want you are telling your children. For example, give Tzedaka with your children, take cans of food to Sova, a kosher food bank, get involved and help in your child’s classroom or school. Remember Jewish parenting is an ever-changing process that will continue as you and your families continue to grow together. A child parented through the Jewish faith will go onto teach and parent their children in the same way. 

As new confused parents have realized there are many different opinions and theories about how to best parent your children. As I always say, choose the parenting style that seems like the best “fit” for you and your family. However, you might want to take into consideration familial patterns in that the way in which you parent your children is the same way in which your children will go onto parent their children. It is important however, for both parents to agree on how to parent their children, because consistency is key. One thing I think we all agree on is that children need patience, guidance, direction, support, discipline, boundaries, and most importantly unconditional love, in order to thrive. Time passes so quickly, so enjoy every precious minute with your children. I used to think of that as such a cliché but from my own personal experience, I can attest that it is true. As our youngest child graduates from high school, I often shed tears because the thought of my baby leaving home and navigating this crazy world on his own is just too overwhelming to think about. Then, I refer to Erma Bombeck’s quote, “Children are Kites” which I started reading when our first child left the house eight years ago. 

“You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you are both breathless. They crash. They hit the rooftop. You patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they will fly. Finally, they are airborne; they need more string and you keep letting it out. But with each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with joy. The kite becomes more distant and you know it won’t be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that binds you two together and will soar, free and alone. Only then do you know that you did your job.”