Conflicted Couple Ministry Plan

In the world of today, divorce becomes more and more of a reality. Men and women in relationships go through rough times and don’t use available resources to save their marriages. Walter and Pam are an example of a conflicted married couple that wants to make their relationship work for the rest of their lives. They have many strengths and weaknesses that have contributed to the conflict in their marriages. Walter and Pam also have very different personalities that impact the way they communicate with each other when times get hard. The purpose of this paper is to analyze the case study of Walter and Pam and come up to provide a specific ministry plan for counseling this conflicted couple.

Identifying Key Areas

The case study of Walter and Pam identifies their strengths and weaknesses within their relationship. When looking at each individual background it is not immediately clear where the conflicts come from. However, with the survey and questions answered by each person, it becomes easier to understand the problems at hand. Walter and Pam have four major weakness areas within their relationship. These areas are communication, conflict resolution, partner style and habits, and sexual relationship. These are not uncommon problems in many conflicted interpersonal relationships. Communication seems to be the underlying issue within their marriage.

Communication holds an extremely important role in marriage. Without it, more problems are likely to arise. “Couples in distress have disturbed communication” (Worthington, 1989, p. 239). Walter and Pam share many concerns in the communication questionnaire. A big issue for Pam is getting Walter to talk about a problem when it arises. It would seem that this is a communication issue that can cause a lot of problems in the marriage. Walter avoiding an issue causes Pam to become upset, leading to a weakness within their marriage. Walter’s biggest communication issue with Pam is that he doesn’t feel like she understands how he feels. This communication weakness can cause conflict because Walter never feels like Pam is fully understanding what his issues are. These two conflicting issues within their communication can lead to larger problems in the marriage. Poor communication skills can lead to greater conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution is among the four weaknesses within Walter and Pam’s relationship. Conflict resolution skills are important to have when discussing and resolving differences. Although Walter and Pam agree that there are issues in this category, they each have different concerns on what the issues are. Pam’s biggest issue within this category is that she feels very strongly that her and Walter have different ideas about how to solve a conflict. This can cause a great deal of problems for a married couple. Not being able to see eye to eye on how a disagreement should be handled can lead to even more disagreements between the couple. This is an extreme weakness. Walter, on the other hand, feels that Pam does not take their disagreements seriously. There is obviously a conflict in how these two communicate their feelings about disagreements with each other. This is a weakness that leads to more problems in conflict resolution, rather than helping to solve a conflict. The problems encountered in conflict resolution can also reflect the area of partner style and habits.

The category of partner style and habits refers to the characteristics of each partner. In this category, Walter is happy with Pam’s character and habits, but Pam is not happy with Walter’s. This is a weakness in itself because it shows that Pam is unhappier in the relationship. Pam ranks this category high, however, her biggest concern is being able to handle Walter’s moodiness. It would seem that this could be a factor in why they are having marital issues. Pam no longer knows how to deal with Walter. Overall, Walter is happy with Pam’s characteristics. Nevertheless, Walter is bothered by some of Pam’s habits. This can also cause conflict within the relationship. Couples' differences within their sexual relationships can also be a key weakness.

Differences between couples in the area of sexual and affectionate wants can be a difficult topic. It is hard for some to be open to this type of discussion. In this category, Walter and Pam agree on most topics. They both are concerned about how their sexual relationship is changing as they age. Sexual interest and affection between them seem to be the biggest issues. This area can be improved with more communication about the subject. The problem seems to be that they do not try to find new ways to keep their sexual relationship interesting and enjoyable. Sexual and affectionate habits within a marriage can highly impact the satisfaction of each individual. This is a weak area for the couple, but they at least agree upon where the issues are. Every couple has weaknesses in their relationships, as well as strengths.

Walter and Pam may have some weaknesses that need to be looked into, but they also have much strength in their marriage. This will be helpful to focus on within the ministry plan for counseling the couple. These strengths include financial management, role transition, and spiritual beliefs. The biggest strength within the couple, however, is the fact that they both want to make the marriage work for the rest of their lives. “Scripture is clear about divorce. God hates it (Mal 2:16), even though it is permissible under certain circumstances (e.g. Ezra 10:44; Mt 19:9). This creates pressure on couples who treat scripture authoritatively to seek all avenues to preserve their marriages” (Worthington, 1989, p.18). They feel it is important to get help with the issues they are having and is a strength many couples lack.

Financial management tents to be an issue for conflicted couples. Money often impacts relationships negatively. Walter makes quite a bit more money than Pam. However, this does not negatively reflect on the relationship. They agree on most areas within this category. They agree about how they save and setting up retirement money. They do feel like the savings may not be sufficient enough, but they are not worried about who controls the money. Not having financial issues between Walter and Pam will help them be able to focus their energy on areas in their relationship that need help. Strengths in role transition will also help the couple.

Role transition in older couples focuses on the transition into retirement. Both Pam and Walter feel good about how their roles will change as they go into retirement. They both feel confident that there will not be any important changes that they will not discuss together. Changes in life and in relationships are easier when those involved are open to change. “A window of opportunity seems present early in helping relationships when people are more open to making changes in their lives” (Stone, 1994, p. 7). Being able to transition to new roles in a relationship together will make them a stronger team. However, the most important strength that Pam and Walter have is their spiritual beliefs. Having similar and strong spiritual beliefs is a great strength within a marriage. This is Walter and Pam’s greatest strength and will be included within the ministry plan.

Personalities

Personalities play an important role in conflict and in recovery from conflict. Walter and Pam have both participated in the SCOPE of the personality test. The results will help us to understand where the conflicts are coming from. The SCOPE personality test can also be used in the ministry plan, as a guide for understanding what works for Walter, and what works for Pam. SCOPE stands for social, change, organized, pleasing, and emotionally steady. All of these categories will be analyzed and compared to both Walter and Pam.

First, we will analyze the results of Walter. Walters's score for being social was ranked as low. This typically means that Walter is considered to be more of an introvert and likes time away from social activities. He tends to be more laid back and likes to spend time alone. Walter also scored low on change. For Walter, it is likely that change puts stress on him. He does not need new experiences to make him happy. Walter scored in the average range for the organized category of the test. Walter can be organized, but it is not necessarily a high priority for him. He is also able to set goals and be flexible. Walter scored low in the area of pleasing. Walter is direct in his approach. He can be considered controlling and probably has a problem with his temper. Lastly, Walter scored low in the emotionally steady category. It is likely that Walter is easily upset. He is also likely to avoid new situations in life. He may appear overly sensitive in some situations and conflicts. Pam scored very differently on the SCOPE of the personality test.

Next, it is important to analyze the results of Pam’s test. Pam scored high on the social category of the test. This means that Pam is likely an outgoing person who likes to be the center of attention. She likes to go out and being in large groups and makes new friends. Pam also scored high on change. Pam is extremely open to trying new things and new situations. She is adventurous and has a broad range of interests. She also scored high in the area of organized. Pam is very reliable and is insistent on doing things a specific way, especially with personal goals. Pam scored in the average range for pleasing. Pam is usually cooperative but can be stubborn at times. Lastly, Pam scored high in the category of emotionally steady. Pam tends to be calmer in nature and less prone to getting worked up and stressed. At times this can make her seem unfeeling. Comparing and contrasting Walter and Pam’s scores will help to start planning a ministry-counseling plan for the couple.

As shown through the results of the test, Walter and Pam scored nearly opposite in every category. Walter is more reserved in nature and has a hot temper. He is overly sensitive in some situations and does not respond well to change. Pam, on the other hand, is an extrovert who likes to try new things. She is calm but can be seen as too calm and unfeeling. These differences in personality are likely the main reason the couple is conflicted.

When Walter has a problem and comes to Pam with it, it is likely that she dismisses the problem. Not because she doesn’t believe it to be true, but because she is more emotionally stable than Walter. This can trigger Walter to become instantly upset; which was one of Pam’s concerns. Earlier, it was noted that one of Walter’s biggest concerns was that he doesn’t believe Pam understands how he feels. Pam having a higher score in the category of emotionally steady can explain this. Walter has a lower sense of emotional stability and this causes him to not understand how Pam can be so calm when he is upset. It would seem that having such an extreme difference in personality in this category is the biggest problem within the relationship.

However, even though Walter and Pam scored differently in each category, it is likely that this can benefit them. Having differences in personality can be used to better relationships. When couples have different personalities it is likely that conflict will be able to be controlled. If one person is angry and the other is calm, then it is more likely that the calm person will control the situation. This is also true in Walter and Pam’s marriage. Their personality differences allow each of them to control the situation at different times. Pam is more adventurous than Walter and is able to take control when they experience new things together. Walter is more flexible than Pam and is able to help her in needed areas as well. All of the information provided through the SCOPE personality test will have helped to create a starting point for creating a ministry plan.

Ministry Plan

One of the greatest feelings in life is being able to help those around you. Developing a ministry plan for counseling Walter and Pam brings great satisfaction. Using resources of the church, surrounding churches, and community resources I will develop a plan for working with Walter and Pam in getting their marriage back on track. Counseling the two of them will be the starting point.

Ministry counseling is much different from traditional counseling. There are greater elements at work with ministry counseling. “Access to forgiveness of God is undoubtedly the most unique characteristic of ministerial counseling” (Dayringer, 2010). Walter and Pam seek forgiveness from God and counseling to keep their marriage together. They are not on the verge of divorce, but they are serious about making changes to their marriage. According to Benner (2003), couples seek help from the church because it is not just a building, but also a community of faith (p.34). Counseling will work well because of their attitudes towards making things work.

My first step within my ministry plan is to provide them with ministry counseling. Through my research, I have found that short counseling works best. “Outcomes of research revealing that short term methods for most counselees in parishes are not only as good as longer methods but are actually better because they take less time and are equally effective” (Clinebell & McKeever, 2011, p. 112). My counseling plan would consist of four total sessions, all lasting about an hour. The first and last sessions would be with both Walter and Pam, and the second and third would be with them individually. “Both spouses are seen together so they can discuss with their pastor in each other’s presence the problems that are causing conflict or tension in the relationship” (Rassieur, 2005, p.33). Having them speak to me about their problems together will help them to have a better understanding of how they both are feeling about the problem areas in the marriage.

After the initial session, I will then ask each of them to come and see me for a total of three more sessions. However, the next two sessions will be individual sessions. I want to meet with them individually so they are more open to discovering the problems, and possible solutions. The last session will be both of them so they can come back together and discuss the insights gained through their individual sessions and prayer. Prayer is a powerful thing. I will ask them to pray on their marriage, as I will do as well. “Such prayer, mingled with reflection upon the counselee’s problems and the possible solutions that one might find in the scriptures, will be found most satisfactory” (Adams, 1973, p.49). Within the time between weekly sessions, I will use outside resources to make sure I am providing the best counseling possible.

Ministers are not psychologists. They do not go to school to better understand why people think the way they do. However, God helps them to understand and provide support to all individuals. When I am counseling Walter and Pam I will reach ours to other pastors. Rassieur (2005), suggests that when counseling couples it is ideal to contact your pastoral counseling support group to a meeting; present their case to the group for insight and feedback” (p. 33). This will help me to get ideas and views on the case from different people I trust. That is just one way to help the couple.

There are more ways to make Walter and Pam’s marriage stronger than just by providing them with my counsel. They have issues within their communication that need to be fixed. Although talking with me, and each other, may help them to work on their problems, it is important for them to have access to more resources. If they can fix their communication problems it is likely that their other problems, such as conflict resolution and personal habits will change as well. “Communication patterns must be changed if the couple is to become more satisfied. The couple must be helped to be more other-centered and God-centered in their communication” (Worthington, 1989, p.240). They lack the ability to listen to each other.

Being able to listen and understand each other is a very important part of marriage. Walter and Pam lack the ability to fully understand each other. This is why they have weaknesses, such as communication, conflict resolution, sexual relationship, and personal habits. I would recommend for them to seek out a class for married couples having problems. The class I would recommend focuses on active listening skills. “The use of active listening skills (a) acknowledges and responds to each individual as important, (b) increases the expressiveness of communication and enables hostility to be expressed and thus lessened, and (c) provides the basis for mutual understanding and conflict resolution, thus enhancing satisfaction within the relationship” (Garland, 1981, p.298). A class focusing on developing healthy communication skills and listening skills will have a positive impact on their relationship.

The last recommendation I would make for Walter and Pam, outside of communication classes and my counseling, would be for them to become more involved in the community. They both have different strengths and personalities, making it easier for them to help each other. Pam is an outgoing individual, and Walter likes to keep things from changing. It would benefit them, with new role transitions approaching, to step out of their comfort zones and do some community work together. Pam will be able to help Walter reach out in this situation. I would leave it open to what exactly they would like to get involved in, but I would suggest community service. Helping others may help their own relationship.

In conclusion, Walter and Pam is a conflicted couple who are seeking help. They have strong spiritual beliefs that will only help them keep their relationship going. They both desire to stay together for the rest of their lives but need a little help to get them there. They have weaknesses and strengths like any couple. Their weaknesses are communication, conflict resolution, sexual relationship, and personal habits. Their strengths are financial management, role transition, and spiritual beliefs. Their strengths will be helpful in their ability to make progress with the counseling sessions I provide to them. Through my sessions with them, we will focus on the weaknesses in the relationship, and how to turn them into strengths. I will seek advice from other pastors about my counseling to the couple. I will also suggest that Walter and Pam attend a class that focuses on strengthening their communication and listening skills. Also, I will recommend that they do some community service together. All of this will help to bring them closer together, and hopefully repair their marriage from a conflicted one to a happy and satisfying one.

References

Adams, J. E. (1973). The Christian counselor. Grand Rapids, MI: Presbyterian and Reformed Pub. CO.

Benner, D. G. P. (2003). Strategic pastoral counseling: A short-term structured model. (2nd ed.). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic.

Clinebell, H., & McKeever, S. B. C. (2011). Basic types of pastoral care and counseling: Resources for the ministry of healing and growth. Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press.

Dayringer, R. L. (2010). The heart of pastoral counseling: Healing through relationship, revised edition. New York, NY: Taylor and Francis Group.

Garland, D. R. (1981). Training married couples in listening skills: Effects on behavior, perceptual accuracy, and marital adjustment. (2nd ed., Vol. 30, pp. 297-306). National Council on Family Relations.

Rassieur, C. L. (2005). I have a plan: A pastor's guide to counseling troubled marriages. Louisville, Kentucky: Westminister John Knox Press.

Stone, H. W. (1994). Brief pastoral counseling. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress.

Worthington, E. L. (1989). Marriage counseling: A Christian approach to counseling couples. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.