Handling Adversity in the Family

I am an African American and I believe that term truly applies to me more so than it does to many others in this country. Specifically, my parents are both from Ghana and came to the United States shortly before I was born (they were in their twenties at the time). While African culture is very important to them, I was born and raised in this country—specifically in North Providence, Rhode Island—and so my only frame of reference is American culture. This has often created conflicts within the family, since my siblings and I have a difficult time relating to the culture and heritage from Ghana, although I would like to understand it more clearly.

My parents divorced when I was nine, and I was raised (along with my four brothers and two sisters) by my mother. Both of my parents have since remarried, which means I have a stepfather and stepmother. The subsequent impact of divorce meant that my father did not have much of a role in our lives following the divorce. I certainly cannot complain about the way I was raised since I believe my mother did an excellent job of trying to play the role of both father and mother during my early years. There was always love in the family, and so the sense of conflict I refer to does not imply and extreme rifts in the family or violent confrontations. However, trying to make sense of two competing cultures is not easy and there are many times when this reality creates a great deal of stress and misunderstandings between my mother and me.

Most of my extended family lives overseas, with most still in Ghana and others living in London, where they emigrated. It often seems like my mother has a much closer relationship with these relatives—especially the ones in Ghana—because they share her cultural values and fully understand her way of thinking. Many times, especially around American holidays, there is a definite issue related to communication. As highlighted by Galvin, Bylund & Brommel (2012), without the ability to maintain a cohesive bond in our communication with one another, conflicts arise that contribute to hurt feelings and misunderstandings quite often. Since my siblings and I view ourselves as completely American (culturally), we want to live according to American culture, which includes celebrating holidays and enjoying those times as every other American does. However, my parents have not adopted the culture of this country and still value what they had in Ghana. In many ways, this is difficult for me to understand since they made the choice to come to this country and I believe that should include adopting the culture and lifestyle that goes with that change.

I understand that a sense of identity is only possible by the relationships and connections we develop with other people and groups, which includes our families but also has to include the external community. So, I want to be able to be American and view myself as an individual and distinct from my parents, even though I do respect their feelings. Unfortunately, they do not have the same desire to understand my feelings about American culture but can only focus on what it means to be from Ghana. The fact that I am determined to make my own way—apart from the cultural ways of my family and their African culture—is important to me even though it creates a rift at times in our ability to communicate. While I want to understand what Ghana is like and even develop a feeling for its culture, the fact that my parents try to force that feeling on me does nothing to improve my attitude.

In many ways, the ideas of Newman and Newman (2006) are similar to those of Galvin et al. (2012) since they both discuss issues related to how different stages of life involve some type of crisis connected with the standards of human development and the family development theory. This process can create challenges for people, as it has for me and my parents, and I am forced to either adapt to the way they would have me think or stick with my own feelings on the matter. As a result, I have developed my own set of coping strategies while I seek a way to find a balance between our thinking.

References

Galvin, K. M., Bylund, C. L., & Brommel, B. L. (2012). Family communication: Cohesion and change(8th ed.). Boston: Allyn and Bacon.

Newman, B.M., & Newman, P.R. (2006). Development through life: A psychosocial approach,9th ed. Belmont, CA: Thomson.