Tips for Expectant Fathers

Bringing a newborn child into the home is a joyous occasion, but it is also a very disruptive situation that challenges the abilities and emotional strength of even the very best parents. This is particularly if the new parents are bringing home their first child. Lacking any experience, the new parents have to feel their way through the situation. Most child care books focus on the mother and the welfare of the infant; however, new fathers suffer as much if not more stress than the mothers. The expectant father should, therefore, learn coping strategies well in advance of the child’s arrival.

There will be, of course, significant changes in both parents’ lives when the baby is brought home. Classically, both parents can expect to have their sleep patterns disrupted and consequently suffer from fatigue and stress. Babies have much different sleep-wake cycles and patterns than adults, and while babies spend most of their time sleeping, that is expressed in a series of cycles only a few hours long rather than the later child and adult pattern of one continuous block of nighttime rest. Babies also get hungry in the middle of the night, so the mother has to be prepared to breastfeed the child at all hours. The father is unlikely to be able to sleep through all this. On a “macro” scale, the baby must be cared for essentially 24/7, and this alone can place a great deal of stress on the new parents; they may be more than willing to provide all the care their new child needs but nonetheless, not be physically or emotionally prepared for all that obligation entails.

It is to be expected that there will be strains and conflicts between the new parents. The phenomenon of post-partum depression on the part of the mother is well known, and there are indications that the father may suffer from it as well. Furthermore, new parents don’t always agree on the division of shared responsibilities. Fox, Bruce, and Corbs-Orme (2004) studied a population of new parents in two hospitals in Tennessee and reported that “An association was found between level of mother's concern about caring for her child and a mismatch between partners' expectations for father's helpful involvement in certain aspects of parenting” (Fox et al., 123). There was evidently no preplanning and little agreement on the part of the new parents regarding the roles and responsibilities each would take on. One can see how this could easily be a source of stress and conflict.

New fathers must, therefore, be prepared to be as supportive of their spouses as possible. The duties of parenting can seem endless and overwhelming. Fathers should be prepared to go the “extra mile.” The normal, everyday duties and chores of the household will still exist, and everything having to do with caring for the newborn will be added to, not replace, those tasks. Fathers must reassure their spouses that everything will not go into hell in a handbasket while the mother is occupied with caring for the newborn. It is perhaps obvious from an anecdotal standpoint as well as mentioned in countless child care books that the workload involved in caring for a newborn is daunting. Yet, most new parents are at least somewhat surprised by it.

The next time around, things tend to go much more smoothly. By the third child if not the second, most parents are old hands at newborn care. The problem of division of labor usually is minimal, as each parent knows what he or she does best. There is, however, a wild card that did not exist the first time around: the newborn’s older sibling(s). The reaction of a child to a newborn entering the household can range from delighted fascination to intense jealousy—sometimes on the same day. It is normal for the older child to feel jealous and resentful of the new arrival, especially since the newborn is apparently garnering all the parents’ attention. Therefore, an essential parenting skill in this situation is to make sure that the older child is not excluded or marginalized. The best way to do this is to involve the older child in his/her sibling’s care. Teaching the older child how to feed, play with, and change the diapers of the new arrival will help immeasurably in establishing a bond: most children fall naturally into the role of big brother or sister, given the opportunity and encouragement.

Whatever routines as far as finances, the roles of the breadwinner in the family, and schedules existed before are sure to be disrupted. As the U.S. is not yet one of the more enlightened nations wherein maternity leave is routinely granted to both spouses, the new husband quite often has to grab his briefcase and trudge back to the office almost as soon as the baby gets home. This is detrimental, as fathers are as important as mothers in newborn infants’ development. As Parke and Sawin (1976) observed, “Fathers are as interested and involved with newborn infants and as nurturant as mothers in their interactions with their infants” (Parke & Sawin, 123). Any temptation to “let the mother do the mothering,” as per the “traditional” view, must, therefore, be resisted. Fortunately, as Parke and Sawin indicate, the tendency to be a nurturing parent is equally strong in both fathers and mothers and attachment to both parents is critical.

Perhaps the most difficult single aspect of becoming a new father is that of a change of identity. Previously, the father might have self-identified by his profession and/or as the mate of his wife. Now, with the arrival of the newborn, he is a parent as well. For better or worse, that is the way others will see him, for the near future, at least: everyone will be asking him about the baby and wanting to see pictures. Together with the increased demands on his time attendant to being a new father, this may mean that the new father puts his career on hold. Certainly, he won’t be able to spend as much time at work as he used to. Furthermore, if the child comes in the midst of a period of growth and opportunity in the father’s business, then he may very well resent the shunting aside of such opportunity in favor of caring for the family’s new arrival. Such frustration and resentment can manifest itself in many ways, especially if suppressed. Issues such as those noted above create a compelling argument in favor of extended maternity leave for both spouses. The father can do some of his work from home, thanks to the internet.

References

Litton Fox, G., Bruce, C., & Combs‐Orme, T. (2000). Parenting expectations and concerns of fathers and mothers of newborn infants. Family Relations, 49(2), 123-131.

Parke, R. D., & Sawin, D. B. (1976). The father's role in infancy: A re-evaluation. Family Coordinator, 365-371.